the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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