you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
