yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I stole a fireplace last night.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
