no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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