1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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