yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
