Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
