you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
