Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
