I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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