i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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