Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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