Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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