How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
