So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
