im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
