I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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