Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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