My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
