Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
