I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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