I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
