my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Send help, water and tortillas.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
