I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
