This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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