I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
