I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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