I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
