Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
