walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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