just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
