I got chris browned last night
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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