words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
