i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
