My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
