How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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