I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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