Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
