You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
