Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
