I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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