I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
