i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
