I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
