2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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