i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
