i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
