I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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