you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
