I can tuck mytits in my pants
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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