just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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